Pearls of wisdom

'Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks the car or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.'

'It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.'

'If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex lifeat all.'

'Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.'

'I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.'

'My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.'

'I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.'

'There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL convertible.'

'You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.'

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.'

'See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.'

'The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner.'

'If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'

'Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'.

'Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.'

'My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.'

'I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,Thyroid problem?'

'Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.'

'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.'

'Ah, yes 'divorce' from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'

'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'

'According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, while, of course, men are just grateful.

''There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?'