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There is silence all around me and no sound it can share and I'm trying to be stronger, but it's way too hard to wear - all these feelings, all these fears, all these memories and pain, when the tears are vivid beings that are falling just like rain. There is pappa yelling, screaming, he is always being mad and I wish that I was dreaming of a life I've never had... You would hug me and through crying, I would tell you how I feel and you promised you won't die, but I was told that we all will... ...

I feel just like I am in the dark and nothing is clear. I am too frightened and lost to cry or think in a proper way. Something bad is going on in my life at the moment or maybe I am just overreacting. First I fell down when I was trying to walk on my own and pappa has missed an important call when he was trying to help me out and then I have got a strange email message from a person I knew in the past, one of mamma's friends. I do not know if she wanted to have revenge on pappa for mamma's death, ...

I was starting this entry and deleting it, starting and deleting my words all over again. Something has made me frightened since I woke up today...
I could not quite understand what it was, but it felt exactly the same way as you feel when you know that you have a fever or getting a cold. At first, it seemed to me that I am feeling this way because I had to stay home alone for some time while pappa was doing shopping, but then when pappa came back, it did not change, so I knew it was something ...

There are times when it seems that even the silence is getting quiet and then you feel like you are being trapped under the water and your ears are full with nothing. And you just try to swallow and see if it passes, but it still remains the same. And you are just sitting there, listening to every sound and wondering if there is a reason for your being here and if anyone sees how hard you are trying to remain alive. And sometimes you just wish to ask if it is really worth? Just if I would be gone ...

Oh uh! I have just realized that my previous post was the first post in 2008. I have been told by a person I know that she is worried that I have not posted a single message since 2007 and that she will be checking out my blog from time to time to see if there is anything that I am posting. Now I am wishing so much that this special person will come here and read this: Crystal, I love you very much and I have so much to tell you. I don't know if you have received my message on DC in pm, but if you ...