prince mio

The last few days have been extremely difficult because I had to stay in bed for all the time and keep as quiet and calm as possible. But it is very hard for me to stay in bed when I am feeling sad and frightened. There was a feeling that would not let me breathe and it was a feeling of so many things undone. Mamma would often tell me to stop taking care of things that I can not bring back or change and I never listened. Now there is no one to tell me this, but her words always come up in my head. It is strange how every little detail is coming up in my head and feels so much important. But then for as long as I can remember I have always kept everything in my head and both pappa and mamma would always sit with the mouth wide open and wondering how could some kid remember something like that. But for some reason I remember every little thing and sometimes it helps while sometimes I wish I could forget. I have been trying not to think and not to feel anything as I have been lying in bed. I know that the doctor told me to keep quiet and all comfortable in bed and to avoid getting up.

I want to thank you for your letters and for your words of care and love. I promise you to get stronger. It has just been very difficult with pappa as he is avoiding me and tries to get himself busy with work, just as if I don't exist at all. But his good friend is taking care of me because he has been injured not so long time ago and can not work along with pappa for some time. Mister Cranston is a good man, but he does not like talking to me much because he is always telling me that my pappa has to talk to me instead. But I understand that he is just busy and wants to concentrate on all the paper work that he has to do at the end of the year. Though there was a time when he decided to talk to me. It was about mamma's funeral I wasn't told of... I didn't talk about it to my pappa yet, but mister Cranston told me that my heart just would not stand it and that the doctors have warned my pappa that I should not be there, even more, I am not allowed to fly yet. :(
So we were talking for a long time and I could not even cry and just tried to imagine what would it be like. But maybe it just lets me remember mamma the way she was when she was still with us and not the other way. I am all shaking as I am writing of it and I do not know, maybe I am a bad son, but I do not think I could be there myself. But what hurts is that pappa decided not to ask me at all and just tell me through his friend. I do not blame him and I am not angry, not that I have ever been angry with pappa or mamma. I just want to be a good friend and a son for my pappa, but it often seems to me that he has turned away. But maybe I am wrong again.

I have just put on my socks because it is rather cold in my room even though it is warm these days. Raining, but not cold and no snow left anywhere. I wish I could go outside again. This way I could prove to mamma that I am strong and not making her sad. This morning pappa's friend told me that God has left me alive for a reason and that mamma was taken away for a reason too. But what could be the reason for taking away the one you love so much? Is it just some plan that we are not allowed to understand? Have I been not good enough and not worthy living with mamma? Maybe it's not even a plan, but just a word to make things look and feel more simple. I think we will never find out why it happens this way until we are here on earth. I wish so much I could talk to mamma even for a minute and just tell her how much I love her.

I do not want to feel the warmth of a sun
I do not want to sit in shadows of a tree
When every minute ticks me you are gone
When every thought is telling you're not here.
I try to take this warmth, let it flow
I try to shout and cry, if you knew,
I cry to let you see, let you know of
What my life became without you.

I do not know why things went this way
I do not know why we could not talk
Now can not see your smile everyday
No hand in mine to hold when I walk.
I have to learn to walk once again
To live through all the wounds and the scars,
To fight all of these tears and the pain
And know that you hold me in your arms.

*hugs and kisses*

Your always loving Rasmus.