prince mio

It is getting colder and the days are turning dark and windy. I can barely catch up with everything that is taking place. It would be great if I could focus on at least 2-3 things at a time, but everything keeps swallowing me. I could not talk and I could not write. Something felt stuck inside... Everything I considered as right and good appeared to be unnecessary and unwanted. I would try to give a part of my heart to those I cared for, but would receive a punch back right into my face. It is like something has gone wrong at some point and the most got their hearts locked and wrapped in a hard cover. Maybe they do not want to be hurt? I really do not know. I did not think this world was like that and I am often just sitting here crying because I can not fit anywhere. I remember how Ade has told me once to go on searching and to never loose my hope to find my own voice because it will be very hard to do among the mute. Back then I did not understand what he was trying to tell me, but now I did. There were days when I was barely feeling myself belonging anywhere and did not want to live at all because all I could feel was a great fail. Just like all what I was trying to do did not happen and was turning it's back against me. A frightening feeling...

All of my thoughts and feelings were around my mamma. She is still at the hospital and the latest I have heard is that she was getting worse, but I'm not sure about details yet. I am trying to be strong though it is very hard to do because I have no any support from anywhere, just guilt and blame. I'm not going to tell of all the things my pappa has been telling me regarding all what my mamma had to say because it might be that she is still ill. I know that when people have fever or get very very ill, they may not understand the words they say. I am still not allowed to see my mamma and I know that if I did, things would change right away.

Pappa is mostly busy with his work and the different international missions. I am trying to avoid him as much as possible because it is what he is asking me for. But during the rare times we get to talk he is always in a bad mood and it is hard to ask him a question or tell something. I only look stupid as I am afraid of him when he is angry.

Now mamma's friend is taking care of me and she is a nice lady, but she is thinking that I am not the one she can talk to. She is just like "Rasmus, go and have fun!" Do not know if I have to laugh or cry here... :)

Also I have been going through very difficult times because I was ripped between my friends (between two hubs, to be exact) and in result I had to leave both of them because I did not want to be threat to any and saw who my real friends were. It was quite painful, hurts way more than when you have your tooth pulled out. But it's ok, I am sure I will survive. Now I have to learn to move on again. I want to thank you for letting me be here and for being my friends. You all mean a lot to me and I love you dearly with all of my heart. I do not know what future may bring, but I want to thank you for everything and for your being there for me and for being my true and loving friends, for your care and understanding, for your love and bearing with me. Take care of each other, stay safe and live today. *hugs*

Rasmus.