prince mio

Here comes another little update. I was going to do it much earlier, but there was a power outage and I could not be on-line. It's been like that since last night and it frightened me a lot because I was not feeling well and had to throw up for all the time which meant that I had to go to the bathroom. Pappa was asleep and I didn't want to wake him up. He had a difficult day and lots of work. I was supposed to see the doctor this morning, but as I have mentioned it in my previous entry, - it did not happen. Now I am still home alone and trying to keep quiet because there are lots of weird sounds from the outside, just as if someone is walking around the house. Scares me a little bit... Somehow, I do not feel brave lately. :)

Now I am going to try and eat something. My throat still hurts and I can barely talk. It feels like everything is trembling in my stomach and in my head. There was a phone call for my pappa and I could not get up and missed it. Now I am hoping that the person calling will call again. As I was told to stay in bed, I better do.

I was thinking a lot about all the anger I have faced lately. I was trying to see and understand why there is so much anger out there and why everyone is trying to live just like a turtle or like some creature. I was thinking of myself too and was reminding of how frightened I was feeling not so long time ago even to go outside. There came a moment when I felt myself half alive, when I did not know what to do the next moment. I was receiving threats and curses from the people I knew and the ones so much precious and dear. And leaving all of the on-line things behind, I was getting the same thing with the people around me, including my pappa. A lot of his and mamma's friends decided to come over and they all wanted to talk to me. For some reason all they did was blaming me in mamma's death and talking in a dirty and a yucky way. It just makes me think again and again if I have to go to Heaven and find mamma there and ask her to forgive me. I know that I will not be able to return and know that mamma may not forgive me. I was told that I was already forgiven by pappa of my friend Lex, but why does it feel so heavy and so painful inside?

Now speaking of Lex... I am not allowed to be his friend because he has been through drugs and some other awful things. Now he is going through recovery and some kind of therapy... But pappa and even mister Marcel (Lex's pappa) think that it is better if me and Lex do not talk and do not meet, let alone stay on our own in the same room. I do not know why they are like that. I know too well of what it is like when everyone turns away from you and what it feels like, what it's like to feel different, to change country after country, to try and study, to find and leave friends, to be up at night at some crazy o'clock because you are suffocating from the tears and wishing to disappear. If we turn away from something, we do not remove the problem... I do not know if I have a right to write in more detailed way of what has happened to Lex and of how it is possible to get in trouble against your will, but I will better wait for a moment when I can finally talk to Lex and then we'll see...

Now I am going to try and fix my notebook because it doesn't work right. I have tried to fix few cables under my desk, but it hit my fingers very painfully and the hand felt numb. I better wait for pappa to come back home and ask him if he knows how to get it fixed. Then there will be an update part 3, probably last one for today...

And thank you for letting me be here.

Your always loving Rasmus.