prince mio

I have been thinking of what to write and of how to write of all the things that have happened to me. I was trying to look for the words, but everything didn't seem right to me. Now I can understand my pappa very well who could not tell me what has happened to mamma. Just because you can not tell someone has gone and not with us anymore... But then there are no words that would seem right. It is still very hard to talk and hard not to cry. Since I was told about my mamma, I could not stop crying and there were times when I could even smile and tried to do normal things, but then it was just like someone would kick me in tummy and I could not breath or do anything. I did not talk to pappa yet, I do not know how it is going to be. The last time we spoke he was very angry with me and I have told him to leave me alone. Now I regret saying so. Sigh...

It feels so much scary and sad. One lady that knew mamma spoke to me and she told me that I should take it easy because mamma has been unwell for a long time and that I should not cry. I do not know how can people be so much heartless and cold! Maybe it is because it is not her mamma? I have heard a lot of really cruel and strange words both online and offline. Would never think it could be like that. I am just trying to stay in my room and do not come out when someone is coming over.

The evening of a day when I was told about mamma just made me want to talk to someone so bad. I wanted to talk to a certain person online, but he has abandoned me and has chosen the fight between two hubs I was in. It has made me cry so much and made me feel even more frightened. He knew what happened to me and still he has turned away because he did not want to go against the hub owner he was in. If not all the people at the Hunting Ground and Jambolee's hub, I do not know how would I take it all... I try so hard not to cry as I am writing this all, but today might be the day when I am feeling the worst since I was told of mamma's death.

I am trying to be strong and to smile and to be worthy of mamma's forgiveness for all the sadness and trouble I have ever brought her. The last time I could talk to mamma before she was taken to the hospital, she was very angry with me because I wasn't feeling well and I always wanted to ask her to forgive me. But now I can not. :( I have tried to ask few people and half of them told me it is too late or that they do not believe in Heaven and the other half has told me that I may still try and if I am good and if mamma sees that I am good, then she might forgive me. I do not know what to do.

I want to thank you all for all of your care and support, for your loving me so much! *hugs you all tight, except those who do not like hugs* I want to tell you that you all are my family and that I love you all very very much!

Your always loving Rasmus.