prince mio

It is already the last day of 2007 over here and just like it was on the first day of this year, I am all alone in my room and it is very cold once again. The only difference might be that I am feeling much worse and not allowed to get up and it is much more colder than it was before. But there is no waiting for a hug or a word anymore because mamma isn't with me and she is gone. I know that she is in my heart and will always be there, but I can not give her a hug and I can not talk to her about what I am feeling. And there are questions that will never be answered. The other day I have found her voice message that she has left when she was calling back home to talk to me about pappa. It was the message from the very day when she has tried to take her life away. She was blaming me and telling me that I had to be a better son and should have been healthier and different because then pappa would never look for another lady if he wouldn't have so much trouble at home. It was awful to hear all of her words and it made me feel really hurt and scared. Of course, I would not talk to anyone about it, let alone talking to pappa. He is not talking to me at all and now he went to play tennis with his friends and tomorrow (already today) and on the New Year's time he will be at the very big party. One of his friends will be looking after me and I do not know who it is going to be yet. Pappa doesn't know too because he is very angry and psyched with me now. :( I am just trying to keep quiet and avoid getting yelled or spanked. Since my coming back from the hospital it's been like in hell with pappa. Sometimes I just wish I was not here at all because I do not like the way this life is and do not like the way how everything works in it. It should be different.

I was thinking about what the doctor has told pappa over the phone this evening. He was told that if the ambulance on morning of 25th would come much later, it may not have been possible to bring me back. But I just know what I felt and I know what does this day mean to me... back in 2004. I have lost my best friend Kalle there in tsunami and now it was the first year without mamma and also without pappa by my side. Just without anyone for that matter. It was a great challenge just to live through it all inside me. I felt like dying as I was closing my eyes and feeling the physical hurt from 2004, seeing all what I have seen. It is just when you want to scream, but can not because you can only sigh. And I have fought for my life and for staying alive. But sometimes I do regret it. My good friend Micke told me that I have to live for myself. But I'm afraid I do not know what it means. Maybe I have to learn...

I am still not allowed to get up, so I am going to post it now and will go on if I can and when I can.

Is there a place for me
Where I can simply fit
Just without breaking me
Living life incomplete?
Carrying blame and guilt
For things I haven't done
Everything's torn and killed
Tell me what have I done.

Is there a place on Earth
Where you are still a friend
When you are feeling worse
Where they will understand?
Is there a life without
Having to fear and cry
Where no one dares to shout
Where it's not sin to try.

Try just to make mistakes
Try just to fail and fall
Try just to stay awake
To fly before you fall.

Rasmus.