prince mio

I know I have been quiet lately and did not talk much at all. At times I could not, was afraid of being on-line due to the threats I have received over the couple of weeks and sometimes simply not allowed to get up. I felt myself trapped in a circle of thoughts and feelings and did not know what to feel, how to get over all the things that have been troubling me. I was getting frightened, disappointed, betrayed, was falling down, but each time getting up again and again, finding a new way to walk, to fight and to survive. Since my mamma went to Heaven, I feel just as if I was thrown in the middle of an ocean, among the raging waves. But still surviving the storm. Each time when I am suffocating and my mouth gets filled up with water, there is always something or someone to pull me up again. Maybe not "or", but "and" as it would not work one without another. But I have never felt myself as much alone as I did during these two weeks. A lyric of a song comes to my mind saying "I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time". Strange how everything changes and how everything has two sides to it...

I have been offline for the few days about a week ago. I was in the bathroom and wanted to take a shower without pappa's help. So I didn't call him as I knew that he was very busy and had lots of phone calls. But then I felt sick and dizzy and stumbled, hurting my head. I know, it was my own fault and feel so stupid. Pappa did not tell me anything though and I do not know what is worse - if he is getting angry or just keeps silent and says nothing.

Now I am still not allowed to be up much and have to stay in bed, but I have been outside and even played some footy on my own. Feel rather good to be outside, also to take care of mamma's flowers. I am sure that she can see them from above. :)

Also I have been playing guitar quite a lot, but somehow can not get anything recorded. It is hard to do it the way I want it to sound without an additional microphone and without keyboards and I do not want to make it simple. But I don't know... When I spend too much time trying to do something, I get weak and easily tired. Guess I have to be thankful I can get up and try not to push myself too hard.

This is a first update for now in a long while, but another one will follow later today, if all is ok. I was supposed to see the doctor today, but it did not happen as someone has damaged my pappa's car. I expected him to be really mad, but he was calm and told me that he has to get it fixed as soon as possible and will have to leave me home alone for some time. So he is away now and I'm sitting here, writing this. :)

It is so good to be back to writing, feels like life is coming back in a sense. :) *big hugs for all of you*

Your always loving Rasmus.