http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/ en Tue, 07 Feb 2012 11:18:56 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.chatanplay.com/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/world-aint-right-271/ Fri, 04 Mar 2011 19:37:43 GMT * Something must be wrong with the world these days or maybe it is only me. It is hard, if ever possible to tell, but even though I feel so much...
Something must be wrong with the world these days or maybe it is only me. It is hard, if ever possible to tell, but even though I feel so much stronger inside, there are little things that are too disturbing... Coming back to life has never been easy, but realizing that the whole world is rolling down the hill and appears far not as you thought it is, hurts, to say the least. Maybe the world still spins the same, but some people have changed and it feels just as if the weight of the world got too heavy for some people I considered special and they just took an easy way to go through life, - without fighting and without standing for their beliefs. I really want to thank all of the people here for staying true and for being true friends, for not forgetting me, for always keeping the doors open for me. I can't find the right words to explain how much it means to me. I love you all very much and thank you for all you have done for me in the past and for all the things you do to keep me going, to keep my hopes up high.

The week that passed has been really difficult in terms of health. My heart was failing and my blood was changing all the time which got all the doctors frightened and confused. I could not say what went wrong. I felt really weak and it was hard to do just anything, but the sleep and rest did not help any. I wasn't feeling sad or terribly tired. Every move was echoing with dull pain and all of the feelings felt as if half erased. The taste of food seemed dull and all my body felt really strange. When my immunity would decrease, it usually felt this way, but this time it took too long and my immunity did not go beyond the critical level. I was close to panic myself, but decided to let it go and do not force myself to anything. Pappa was told that it would be better to put me to the hospital, but we had to refuse due to pappa's work and Lex.

Few days ago Lex got verbally hurt by a very close person and even though he took it well, it somehow struck me bad and I just did not expect it from someone so close and the insult was health related. I still try to understand where do people find so much cruelty. Lorenz said that it is natural to men, to some part of our being, but while he may be right to some extent, there must be something that is forcing inner insecurities turn to outward failures. It is hard to tell.

I am trying to spend a little time online and I have tried to visit few places where I have been before all the bad events took place in my life. It feels strange, but no one seems to remember me. I took it with a smile as there is not much I can do. This time Lex got teary and told me that they weren't real friends if they can't remember who I am or if they remind and say nothing at all and keep cold or ignoring. I am not going to walk through the same river again and I hope that if I am taking it right, then Lex will not get sad. I spoke to him and tried to explain. Then we spoke of how much hard it is for me to start talking to certain people again... And once again, I want to thank everyone in here for remembering me, for doing so much for me, for all of your care and love. *hugs you all tight*
]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/world-aint-right-271/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/unconditional-love-270/ Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:16:29 GMT *Out of all the things we have been given by God, we have time and even though it may seem eternal, it is still not and the time has the ability to... Out of all the things we have been given by God, we have time and even though it may seem eternal, it is still not and the time has the ability to pass and every little moment that forms eternity in the end can still be considered dead and probably alive only in our memories and no matter how hard we might be trying to save them, help them remain, they are still not eternal. But there is still something that passes through the minutes of time, the ravages of fate and bad luck, something that knows no distance and no conditions. It is love, the unconditional love. And I am not speaking of human desires or the attraction caused by the physical chemistry which is also a mystery on its own, but I speak of the deeper feeling that unites us all no matter what we believe in, no matter what may all of our intentions be, something that still guides us and makes us stop when we are close to the edge, when we are close to anger, when we are wishing to smack someone's face and when we feel like we had enough and have no wish to go on. Love is the only eternal power and love is what God means to me. Even for people that claim they do not believe in God, I always reply that God means love to me and backwards, the unconditional love that asks no questions where not needed, love not demanding for anything at all, love that forgives, listens and even learns the hard way with the trial and error.

I have been thinking for the causes and the reasons of the darkness and the anger that we all see around us. I have been thinking of the reasons why I have been showing the weakness through life, why I could not be brave enough and defend myself, try to feel what my heart is telling me. I know that even though I have always tried to fight matrix of this world, I still allowed it to swallow me and I had to learn all the things again right from the start. It was not only physically, but also deep inside of me I had to play the game of connecting all the dots into lines and trying to link all of my inner strength with the present day. Remembering everything, feeling all of the broken bones still aching and all the hurt still bing there was not easy and it is still not easy to bear with all of it. I had to be painfully honest with myself and had to admit where I went wrong and where I have made my mistakes. I knew that I still had to go on and with so many questions still left without an answer, I fought and tried to define all of the feelings and emotions that were filling me up.

Each time something went wrong and I was hurt and insulted, it just made me realize that probably I was not good enough, was not sincere enough to show these people that I never meant any harm and it felt bad that I could not show them a way out of anger and the fear, the way out from the cage of being the tiny angry creature that tries to defend itself using the Sicillian defense.

But now the hardest part is to realize that people have seen you in the wrong light and it is one of the peculiarities of this life that always come in a new and unique package where no experience of the past ever helps. It is always a surprise and very often people ask me if I do regret something or if I am for real because they can not believe that there is truly these feelings and the words behind them mean what they really do. The answer is to try to love unconditionally, for no profit, sake or a reason. To love and care because we all need to hold on to something that is eternal... ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/unconditional-love-270/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/up-ashes-215/ Fri, 05 Feb 2010 20:55:37 GMT My dear family! *hugs and kisses all of you tight* It is the moment I waited for so long and it brings the tears to my eyes as I am thinking of... My dear family! *hugs and kisses all of you tight*

It is the moment I waited for so long and it brings the tears to my eyes as I am thinking of how long it has been since the last time I could post here or talk to anyone of you. So much has happened, so much has changed, but the love you gave me remains the same, your care and faith in me allowed me to fight and be strong. It's been the days and months full of the dark and the fear, trying to see how to live and how to cope with the things I knew and the things I have felt. I know that I have won a lot by now and the very fact that I am sitting here speaks for it... *blushes*

I want to thank you all for keeping my account and for remembering me. I want to thank to Elaine for talking to my pappa and to Chewy and Magic... Magic, I want to give you a big hug, my friend, and I want you to know that my heart goes out to you and to all your family. I want to thank you for keeping Hunting Ground or now Chat and Play alive, for keeping the fires burning, as the say. I must tell you from the bottom of my heart that I have not met anyone like you before and you were the person that gave me the strength to fight, you were the one that helped me to pull out from the fear. I know that thee is still so much to be done... *hugs you tight*

I am not sure what my pappa or little Lexi have told in here about me, so I shall leave it for the next post or the next time I am here. As I found out, there were rumors online that I ran away from pappa and there were people even stating that I am dead, but I did not run away and I'm alive. I have a lot to tell as I have learnt a lot. And I know that I would not be here without help from the most caring and beautiful person - Lex. This heart of gold was with me in every beat and when my pappa was in despair about me and the doctors were leaving very little hope, he was keeping the faith. Even when the sudden death of his pappa struck him, he kept it in secret from me and didn't show a sign of what has happened just to let me be strong and my heart to recover. I know that his contribution to my being here is priceless just as the thoughts and prayers of all of you. *hugs*

The tears are filling my eyes and I believe that I'll leave this post as it is now. I love you all and you are the best friends and a true loving family. God bless you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

*hugs and kisses*

With all the love,

Rasmus ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/up-ashes-215/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/little-update-part-2-117/ Tue, 24 Jun 2008 21:45:00 GMT Here comes another little update. I was going to do it much earlier, but there was a power outage and I could not be on-line. It's been like that since last night and it frightened me a lot because I was not feeling well and had to throw up for all the time which meant that I had to go to the bathroom. Pappa was asleep and I didn't want to wake him up. He had a difficult day and lots of work. I was supposed to see the doctor this morning, but as I have mentioned it in my previous entry, - it did not happen. Now I am still home alone and trying to keep quiet because there are lots of weird sounds from the outside, just as if someone is walking around the house. Scares me a little bit... Somehow, I do not feel brave lately. :)

Now I am going to try and eat something. My throat still hurts and I can barely talk. It feels like everything is trembling in my stomach and in my head. There was a phone call for my pappa and I could not get up and missed it. Now I am hoping that the person calling will call again. As I was told to stay in bed, I better do.

I was thinking a lot about all the anger I have faced lately. I was trying to see and understand why there is so much anger out there and why everyone is trying to live just like a turtle or like some creature. I was thinking of myself too and was reminding of how frightened I was feeling not so long time ago even to go outside. There came a moment when I felt myself half alive, when I did not know what to do the next moment. I was receiving threats and curses from the people I knew and the ones so much precious and dear. And leaving all of the on-line things behind, I was getting the same thing with the people around me, including my pappa. A lot of his and mamma's friends decided to come over and they all wanted to talk to me. For some reason all they did was blaming me in mamma's death and talking in a dirty and a yucky way. It just makes me think again and again if I have to go to Heaven and find mamma there and ask her to forgive me. I know that I will not be able to return and know that mamma may not forgive me. I was told that I was already forgiven by pappa of my friend Lex, but why does it feel so heavy and so painful inside?

Now speaking of Lex... I am not allowed to be his friend because he has been through drugs and some other awful things. Now he is going through recovery and some kind of therapy... But pappa and even mister Marcel (Lex's pappa) think that it is better if me and Lex do not talk and do not meet, let alone stay on our own in the same room. I do not know why they are like that. I know too well of what it is like when everyone turns away from you and what it feels like, what it's like to feel different, to change country after country, to try and study, to find and leave friends, to be up at night at some crazy o'clock because you are suffocating from the tears and wishing to disappear. If we turn away from something, we do not remove the problem... I do not know if I have a right to write in more detailed way of what has happened to Lex and of how it is possible to get in trouble against your will, but I will better wait for a moment when I can finally talk to Lex and then we'll see...

Now I am going to try and fix my notebook because it doesn't work right. I have tried to fix few cables under my desk, but it hit my fingers very painfully and the hand felt numb. I better wait for pappa to come back home and ask him if he knows how to get it fixed. Then there will be an update part 3, probably last one for today...

And thank you for letting me be here.

Your always loving Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/little-update-part-2-117/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/here-i-am-again-116/ Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:45:02 GMT I know I have been quiet lately and did not talk much at all. At times I could not, was afraid of being on-line due to the threats I have received... I know I have been quiet lately and did not talk much at all. At times I could not, was afraid of being on-line due to the threats I have received over the couple of weeks and sometimes simply not allowed to get up. I felt myself trapped in a circle of thoughts and feelings and did not know what to feel, how to get over all the things that have been troubling me. I was getting frightened, disappointed, betrayed, was falling down, but each time getting up again and again, finding a new way to walk, to fight and to survive. Since my mamma went to Heaven, I feel just as if I was thrown in the middle of an ocean, among the raging waves. But still surviving the storm. Each time when I am suffocating and my mouth gets filled up with water, there is always something or someone to pull me up again. Maybe not "or", but "and" as it would not work one without another. But I have never felt myself as much alone as I did during these two weeks. A lyric of a song comes to my mind saying "I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time". Strange how everything changes and how everything has two sides to it...

I have been offline for the few days about a week ago. I was in the bathroom and wanted to take a shower without pappa's help. So I didn't call him as I knew that he was very busy and had lots of phone calls. But then I felt sick and dizzy and stumbled, hurting my head. I know, it was my own fault and feel so stupid. Pappa did not tell me anything though and I do not know what is worse - if he is getting angry or just keeps silent and says nothing.

Now I am still not allowed to be up much and have to stay in bed, but I have been outside and even played some footy on my own. Feel rather good to be outside, also to take care of mamma's flowers. I am sure that she can see them from above. :)

Also I have been playing guitar quite a lot, but somehow can not get anything recorded. It is hard to do it the way I want it to sound without an additional microphone and without keyboards and I do not want to make it simple. But I don't know... When I spend too much time trying to do something, I get weak and easily tired. Guess I have to be thankful I can get up and try not to push myself too hard.

This is a first update for now in a long while, but another one will follow later today, if all is ok. I was supposed to see the doctor today, but it did not happen as someone has damaged my pappa's car. I expected him to be really mad, but he was calm and told me that he has to get it fixed as soon as possible and will have to leave me home alone for some time. So he is away now and I'm sitting here, writing this. :)

It is so good to be back to writing, feels like life is coming back in a sense. :) *big hugs for all of you*

Your always loving Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/here-i-am-again-116/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/post-not-post-106/ Tue, 27 May 2008 03:12:12 GMT To post or not to post? It has been a question in my head for some time now. I can see that the last time I have posted anything was a while ago. I... To post or not to post? It has been a question in my head for some time now. I can see that the last time I have posted anything was a while ago. I am a little bit sad now because I was planning to post almost daily along with my friend Lex, but it did not happen. When Lex gave me a call, we spoke for about two hours and when I have told him that I have not posted a single word, he told me that it is a wonder that I am still on-line after all the things I have experienced lately. Just like the rest of the world, Internet can be a very cruel place. And I have experienced it's bad side to the limit. Now I should recover somehow, but do not know how... Coming over to the post?

The day when my pappa told me that his old friend mister Marcel is coming over to visit him with his son, I have remembered my friend Lex. The first time I have seen him was when I was about 5 and then few years later. Lex is eleven years old now, so you can do the Maths as to where my memories went to. But I could clearly remember how little Lexi would give me a big hug and would carry different toy cars and give them to me. Also I remember how mister Marcel would have to bring him home and how he would cry and wave with a hand to say good bye. One of the first words (and he started to talk quite late) that he said was Rasmus. :) Makes me feel proud, as the first was "pappa" and the second one was "chupa" which was for Chupa Chups :)

And when I saw Lex, he did not change at all. He was bigger, of course, but his eyes, his big heart, warmth, kindness, understanding, all of it was there. But there was something else - the awful things that have happened to him. I will not talk of it here without asking Lex first, but some of you may have already understood what I am talking of by reading my long poem that was dedicated to Lex. He told me that he would not survive this all without me and always thought of me and prayed for our meeting to happen as soon as possible. And it happened...

And I know that if not for Lex, I would not make it through myself. He explained me so many things about my mamma, so many things he has remembered and heard from his pappa. But of all of it in my next message. Now it is 10 minutes past six and I must go back to bed. I had a nightmare and still feel scared to go back to bed. But it will be somehow... :) I love you all very much... Not much of a decent blog entry, but for a start, it is still something. :)

Oh, and I did my final school exam with 88% result grade out of 100% possible. Pappa was not so happy, but the teacher told me: "Rasmus, with your health and the amount of days spent in bed and at the hospital, it is the greatest miracle I have ever seen!" Now I shall turn red as a ketchup one more time. :) Let's hope that all the yucky monsters do not like people looking like half full (or half empty?) ketchup bottles. ;)

Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/post-not-post-106/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/bit-everything-again-92/ Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:26:14 GMT AN UPDATE Nothing compares to adding another entry to my little diary. Sometimes it may be too sad, but the sadness is a part of me too and if it... AN UPDATE

Nothing compares to adding another entry to my little diary. Sometimes it may be too sad, but the sadness is a part of me too and if it goes this way, then it would be not honest to hide it behind the thick cloth. I have heard a lot of people lately, telling me that I am a fake, not real and simulating my illness. Even though I've got used to hearing such things since the first time I got on-line, still it has made me quite sad to hear such comments again, especially behind my back. It hurts even more when you hear it from the ones you thought were your friends... And even though I was sure that I've learned my lesson, I'm walking into the same river one more time. And it hurts when you have been a fool to share all your dearest with someone and have this someone turn it's back on you. There is no need to dwell on it, but still it makes me so sad somehow. There are just things I believe are sacred and no matter what may happen between two people, no matter if the trust you or not, there are things you should not make fun of and should not laugh about because you never know what you may experience and what side of life might turn it's face to you...

I do not know if it is only me, but it seems to me that it's been a lifetime since the last time I could write something at the greater length. It is hard to write without tears at times and now I realize that I've been crying a lot lately. Oh, I believe it was too much even. The memories of my mamma have been the main reason behind the tears and having to make decisions without her and being alone through the certain times and the dates when she was around. It feels so much awful and frightening when I wake up in the morning and feel better or worse and can't tell about it to anyone. Usually I would wake up and slowly walk to mamma's room tip toe, not to wake her up. Once I would see that she is awake, I would tell her that I am feeling a little bit better and that I woke up without my night problem. (Just do not laugh, please, if you know what I mean... ) It was just that I could tell my mamma that things are a bit better and then I would often see her smile. I do not think that there was anything as precious and important that could make the day complete. Even when I would feel much worse through the day and if there were fights and scandals, I would still try to remember mamma's smile and a way how she was giving me a hug. But now I wake up just to keep it all inside and trying to be good not to make too much noise and avoid meeting pappa because my presence usually makes him mad...
I understand that he is not feeling well with all the work he has to do and without mamma's help with the different translations. Often I do lots of text translation for him or find the info he needs on-line for this or that. Probably not the same thing, I guess...

My pappa is a hard-to-explain type of a person and even though he often yells at me and tells me awful things, I still love him with all of my heart. When mamma was alive, he would be not so angry with me and he would often talk to me and we would do different things together, but since mamma's death he has turned away from me for most of the time and does not notice me at all. I know that some of you have spoken to my pappa through mamma's MSN. I was there only once in my life (not allowed to have it), so you may have seen me there too once. So the ones of you that spoke to my pappa know what he is like, I think. You would barely notice that he can be angry, but he can... Some people have been telling me that they think that my pappa on MSN and me on DC are the same person. They even went as far as to copy all the things pappa was saying, the things that were not meant for my ear, telling me about my mamma's death when I wasn't told of it yet. Back then I did not believe it, but remembering of it now, it just strikes way too deep. I had a stupidity to tell pappa about it on which he just told me that he is too tired of it all and will not intrude in my on-line activity ever again. "If it repeats one more time, you will be offline" - so he told me. It said that it has turned out this way, really, but life goes on and I will get over it. But can not help feeling bitterly disappointed at the moment... Even my leaving these people or the places where they were, they still go on contacting my friends and trying to make them sure that I am not real, a fake, sending me the threats and talking rude. Just shows of what an envy? can do with a person. Problem is that so many people believe that Internet protects all and everyone, but it is far not so. They often think that sitting behind the screen they get all the possible freedom, but there are still people, not the bots on the other end. Not brave to say it in the face, but so brave to type it. Sigh...

THE HURRICANE

It was really huge and made me all scared. My pappa's friend was staying with me and he did not manage to fall asleep at all. Pappa went to Germany and he should be back on Thursday in the evening. There was a man who was a good friend of my mamma and pappa. Yesterday my pappa had a phone call from his wife and she told him that her husband got in a car accident and.... . She has a four year old daughter. My pappa could not talk to her because he broke in tears and so I took the phone and spoke to the lady for about 40 minutes. She was a very good friend of my mamma and she was very happy to hear me. Actually, she was one of the very few people who did not blame me for mamma's death. So we just spoke of her husband and of my mamma. She was crying so much and I was trying my best not to cry. So pappa went to this lady's house to help her with everything. Pappa's good friend is staying with me even though I do not know him that well. But he is good and keeps calling me "wee wee" :) hehe
Last night I woke up from a nightmare at 3am and went downstairs to have a drink. There I have noticed the hurricane as I got up from my bed. It could be the reason for a nightmare too or maybe not. So I had some juice and went back to my room, but it felt too scary. So I went to the room where mister Clegg was and asked him if I could sleep next to him. He was laughing for a long time and I thought that he would send me back, but he gave me a hug and told me to bring my pillow along. :) We were talking for some time and mister Williams has asked me to show him how I can do break dance and stand upon one hand. I promised him to do so if I am not dizzy tomorrow and quickly fell asleep. When I woke up mister Williams was already awake and in the kitchen. I went to my room first and found a parcel there. The results! Yes, my school test results finally arrived. Then I went to the kitchen and mister Williams got me high in the air and told me that I am like a little oven when I'm asleep and that he was worried if I had a fever or something. He is so tall and it was a great feeling to be up so high. Then he finally put me back on my feet and I could tell him about the parcel. He just smiled and told me that we shall open it, but only after I have my breakfast. So I went to the bathroom and then
was going to have my breakfast. But my tummy felt weak and I could not eat. I was told that I can always eat later when I can. :) After that mister Williams got the parcel open and there it said that I did all of my tests with all "A" and "Excellent" grades. :D I felt so happy! Few hours later I picked the phone to call pappa about it, but he yelled at me and told me that how can I think about such things now and dare to tell him about it in a moment like this. Yeah, was so stupid of me and I nearly started to cry. I asked pappa to forgive me and he just told me to give the phone to his friend and didn't say anything. I felt so stupid...

So I went back to my room and started trying to get my firewall fixed. Luckily, now it works again. Before that I could eat and do the dishes which made mister Williams happy and he told me that his daughter who is 15 never does the dishes! Hehe :) I wonder what it would be if I had a sibling! Rasmus The Menace is enough? :)

So later I was looking through the window and could see how the hurricane got few roofs off the houses and what a mess it has been all over the place. It's still raining and very windy, but not as bad as it was at night. I think that my nightmare was a result of this horrible weather.
I like when it rains, but when I'm inside. Do not want to get wet like Tom Sawyer and Hucklberry Finn did on Jackon's Island :) hehe!

Today I was feeling quite dizzy and even landed on my bum. Good thing that mister Williams was there and he told me that I fainted. But I don't remember it well. I was not feeling bad at all. I know, it happens sometimes because of my heart. When I am getting too excited, it has to pump more blood and since it can not do that well, it acts this way... :( But hour later I was feeling much better. We had no TV signal and no Internet at all, so I have put on 2Unlimited and showed mister Williams what I can do! :)))
He was all against it first and was not sure if that would be right of me to do, but I've made him sure that I could show him, so he was very happy! The most important thing is to breathe right. Looks like I can do most of it. The hand stand has impressed him the most of all though I did not risk changing hands or doing a jump from hand to hand! Then he has put me to bed and told me to stay there for some time. I did!

Then I went back to my firewall to get it tested once again and found that it didn't work, so I've done clean installation and it worked. Good! :)
Now I am writing this blog and think I will get it finished for now, even though I only started to tell of how my life has been lately.

I love you all very much and thank you for reading! *hugs and kisses*

Your always loving Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/bit-everything-again-92/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/finding-real-89/ Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:02:44 GMT "The Real"

Today I was told that I am a fake
Today I was told that I am not real,
Behind the back, in hiding, in one take,
Without shame to wear a veil or seal.
Today I was told that I'm acting not pretty
Today I was told that I am simulator,
Who says he is ill just to call someone's pitty
And runs outside just few hours later.

I wish they never had it the way I have it here
I wish they never feel all the pain I have inside
I wish they never loose all what I have lost in me
I wish it was not true... all things I have to fight.

Today I was told that I am just an image
Today I was told that I can not be me
If your heart can't feel and can't trust someone even
I just never thought you need eyes just to see.
The eyeballs, the eyelids, reflecting the fear
Of what you have inside, not trusting no one
Afraid of a hug, hate to have someone near,
Have you not learnt to live? Life soon will be gone.

I wish they could see without having to touch
I wish they could treasure and just think of that
Out of times that they knew me, be it little or much
Have I betrayed them or have I acted bad?

I can feel how they doubt, why should I care?
I can feel how they whisper, so just let it be!
If I am a cloth that they just can not wear
I do not sell eyeballs, so they just learn to see.
If I would just swear and act what they expect
It would make me go from their tongues and their minds,
But since I am something that they just can not get,
It makes them confused and scared inside.

What makes one fake or makes one real?
Aren't we all just feeling the same?
Finding your voice, finding the real,
But ending with guilt and feeling ashamed,
For they can not accept you as you do not fit
For the standard is narrow and you won't fit in
Yeah right, what can you expect from some stupid kid
If there is fake sitting behind the screen?

The fake that may cry, but never surrender
The fake that has one certain age, gender
The fake that can hope, dream and can feel
Good luck in a hunting for finding the real... ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/finding-real-89/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/update-84/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:30:17 GMT Here is a little update... There is so much to write and I do not even know where to begin. But first I am going to tell about my latest doctor... Here is a little update... There is so much to write and I do not even know where to begin. But first I am going to tell about my latest doctor visit. This time it went a little bit better regarding my tests, but not so good emotionally... As some of you may already know, my latest test results were very bad and I was told some not very good things. :( I am sorry for getting to share this with some of you as I know how much hard it might be just to hear of it. But I want you all to know that no matter what may happen and no matter how long my life will be from now on, I love you all and you are my family and I will be thankful to God for every second that I am allowed to spend with all of you here. I know that at times I break down to tears and just leave as I am afraid of hurting people or making someone feel sad. I am always holding on strong, but then at times the fear comes in and I am totally lost. I think that the worst is hearing from pappa and the doctors that more than half is my own fault because, as they think, "I'm not fighting enough to make the little parts of my body fight and produce immunity". But how can they know of it anyway only from the bad test results? Sigh...

Now my latest doctor's visit did not bring any news, but maybe no news is good news? They got my heart checked to see how it works, but except the heartache there was nothing else. I was suffering from the headache for almost a week long, but since I'm not allowed painkillers, there was not much that could be done about it. The visit was mostly "to prepare me for what may happen soon". I found it idiotic and told to the doctor that I do not need this kind of help. Then pappa said that I really need some help because I am "listening to the dumb music, always so sad and picking on food, staying up late, afraid of the dark, afraid of washing his head, can start crying from a book" and so on. The doctor told pappa that half is just fine, but if he insists they may put me on a medication to keep me happier. But no way in a world I will take anything. I have told the doctor about it and he gave pappa a weird look and then they both said "alright". After that I was sent away and pappa was talking to the doctor for about thirty minutes which seemed like an hour to me. I rarely get bored anyway and I kept myself all busy trying to understand what people around me were saying. There was an old lady with her husband and they kept smiling to me. I have offered few languages to choose from, but the old lady only knew German a little bit, so we spoke about my mamma and about my health. Then her husband gave me a big hug and told me that I will not die and will be ok. I started to cry and just sat there silent while the man was talking to his wife in a language I did not understand much. I nearly fell asleep, but then pappa came out along with the doctor and we had to go home. I fell asleep on a way back and woke up in my room. I must have been really exhausted!

Now I am all awake since 6am and I ate a little bit and helped pappa to fix few things in the bathroom. He is in a bad mood today, so I try my best to keep quiet and behave good. It is really nice that I did not have my night problem this time and woke up fine. I was supposed to do some homework since I'm always missing on a lot, but pappa told me that I have to wait a little bit before it is delivered.

Now he is calling me again, so I will start DC and will go and see why he is all loud again. :) Hope a little update is ok. *big hugs for everyone*

Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/update-84/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/easter-here-80/ Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:45:09 GMT Easter is the most beautiful time you keep waiting for since Christmas and it is the time which means so much to me and always gives the hope. It is... Easter is the most beautiful time you keep waiting for since Christmas and it is the time which means so much to me and always gives the hope. It is all sacred and beautiful in this life, something that we all can see as the proof that salvation is out there for all of us. This year so much has changed in my life and it is not like it was in 2007 or all the years before. But the Easter is here and even though it is only 40 minutes past midnight, one can already feel the greatness of this sacred time and so much beautiful day...

Even though there is so much fear and pain inside of me because of things happening in my life at the moment, I still feel the light and the hope. I know, I have been feeling probably the worst way in my life lately and I want to ask you for forgiveness because of that. I love you all dearly and want to wish everyone a happy and a safe Easter. And remember - there is a hope for all of us! There is light... There is life... and there is LOVE.

*hugs you all tight*

Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/easter-here-80/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/so-many-things-i-havent-told-you-79/ Sat, 15 Mar 2008 21:50:53 GMT There is silence all around me and no sound it can share and I'm trying to be stronger, but it's way too hard to wear - all these feelings, all these fears, all these memories and pain, when the tears are vivid beings that are falling just like rain. There is pappa yelling, screaming, he is always being mad and I wish that I was dreaming of a life I've never had... You would hug me and through crying, I would tell you how I feel and you promised you won't die, but I was told that we all will... Now I wish that I could vanish and appear somewhere else, where I could just turn back time, but I know there is no chance. What you felt, what were you thinking when you took your life and life. I know that this life is drinking where you can not get enough. It just comes and flows around us, it just throws us up and down... There are times when we are flying, there are times when we are drown... There's so much I haven't told you and so much I never will... How I wish that I could hold you, but there's emptiness I feel. I am fine, I'm safe and sound, if you see me from above. I am here at Hunting Ground, there is so much care and love. You have told me to remain there, to be good, polite and learn... as the good you give to people is the good that will return. It's the place where I'm accepted, where I stay without fear, where I'm not being neglected, place where someone remains near. There's so much I haven't told you and it hurts so much I cry, I think that the time I hold you is the time when I will die... ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/so-many-things-i-havent-told-you-79/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/nothing-clear-78/ Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:25:26 GMT I feel just like I am in the dark and nothing is clear. I am too frightened and lost to cry or think in a proper way. Something bad is going on in my... I feel just like I am in the dark and nothing is clear. I am too frightened and lost to cry or think in a proper way. Something bad is going on in my life at the moment or maybe I am just overreacting. First I fell down when I was trying to walk on my own and pappa has missed an important call when he was trying to help me out and then I have got a strange email message from a person I knew in the past, one of mamma's friends. I do not know if she wanted to have revenge on pappa for mamma's death, but she has opened some really sick things to me of which I would not wish to know. It made me throw up, to be honest, and I have replied to that lady that I do not want to hear it and told pappa of what has happened. It was a big mistake since he decided to get in touch with this lady, but then changed his mind when he has met his old co-worker while he was looking for a way to have revenge. I never liked this woman because she always tried to kiss pappa and to act in a sick way towards mamma. But now they have got all friendly and pappa always invites her over and does everything she is asking him for and does not even notice my being around. But that doesn't matter that much. What matters is that this woman has something in mind and I do not know what yet. I was able to find out that she is lying a lot and that she is telling pappa one thing, but then does another and is acting very strange. It is hard to explain, but it makes me scared. When I spoke to one of pappa's friends about it, he has told me that it is my fault and that I did not have to tell pappa about that dumb email in the first case. And when I emailed that first lady, she has told me that I have to be careful just because "this *** is even worse than your dad, Rasmus". I really do not know what to do, guess I can pray...

Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/nothing-clear-78/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/feeling-scared-74/ Sat, 08 Mar 2008 20:05:30 GMT I was starting this entry and deleting it, starting and deleting my words all over again. Something has made me frightened since I woke up today... ... I was starting this entry and deleting it, starting and deleting my words all over again. Something has made me frightened since I woke up today...
I could not quite understand what it was, but it felt exactly the same way as you feel when you know that you have a fever or getting a cold. At first, it seemed to me that I am feeling this way because I had to stay home alone for some time while pappa was doing shopping, but then when pappa came back, it did not change, so I knew it was something else. But at the same time, today might be the day when I am feeling the worst in my heart... It just feels so uncalm inside me and
I wish that I could hug someone or to hear some person telling me that it will be fine and that there is no reason to be scared... I will get this edited later, but for now post it the way it is... ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/feeling-scared-74/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/just-thoughts-72/ Thu, 06 Mar 2008 20:54:40 GMT There are times when it seems that even the silence is getting quiet and then you feel like you are being trapped under the water and your ears are... There are times when it seems that even the silence is getting quiet and then you feel like you are being trapped under the water and your ears are full with nothing. And you just try to swallow and see if it passes, but it still remains the same. And you are just sitting there, listening to every sound and wondering if there is a reason for your being here and if anyone sees how hard you are trying to remain alive. And sometimes you just wish to ask if it is really worth? Just if I would be gone for always, would it all stay the same and would it all remain unchanged? Just if I would imagine for a minute that I am invisible and just to think that I could appear anywhere, not letting anyone know that I am alive, just to see what would happen at a certain place. Maybe my problem is that I can not just live, but always wish to have some meaning and not for others to tell me that I mean something, but for my own self to feel that I have a meaning and can make a change, some difference. But there are times when I do not want, do not want anything at all... Sigh...

Today is the difficult day because I had to see the doctor again and came back feeling quite happy for I have finally achieved something in doctor's eyes, let it be not even in pappa's, but does it matter? But the happiness has changed for memories of pain and tears as I came back home and checked my notebook. There I had a PM message starting with "u make me sick". It did not come as a surprise and I just ignored it, but at the same time it has brought me through the days when my mamma died and reminded me of things of which I have forgotten. They say that when you are in shock and when all of it is kept somewhere, then you are easily forgetting this and that. But it all came into my head all of a sudden, all the words, sounds and the visions. And it hurts way too much... I am feeling totally broken and in tears at the very moment, can not say a word. I do not know, maybe I will just leave Internet for always from today or tomorrow, I just do not know what to think and feel anymore...

Rasmus. ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/just-thoughts-72/ http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/update-hospital-test-results-pappa-dc-my-life-part-2-71/ Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:18:16 GMT Oh uh! I have just realized that my previous post was the first post in 2008. I have been told by a person I know that she is worried that I have not... Oh uh! I have just realized that my previous post was the first post in 2008. I have been told by a person I know that she is worried that I have not posted a single message since 2007 and that she will be checking out my blog from time to time to see if there is anything that I am posting. Now I am wishing so much that this special person will come here and read this: Crystal, I love you very much and I have so much to tell you. I don't know if you have received my message on DC in pm, but if you did not, then I will email you anyway. There is so much that I have to tell and coming back to the last time we spoke, you know how much has happened and it will be very hard to have to walk back through all of these awful days, but I know that I have to because so much is having to do with the present time and some things that are troubling and hurting me a lot. But I will tell you about it in email or in PM. I want you to know that I love you and that I
will always remember the day when you and I were talking in PM and I was making cookies with mamma and was running here and back
for all the time. I am crying so much as I am writing these lines... The second post of 2008 you say... So let me start or let me go on...

In my last message I have been putting up a question about DC and of why so many people are leaving it lately. I know that there must be some reason. Knowing some really old DC users, I can say that something has been going on and some are either just trying to move on, to find different shelters or just to hide under the cover for some time while something is going on. It is safe to say that only Efi network and of course, the Hunting Ground, have always been and I am sure will always remain a calm and a safe place to be at. But even with all of it, I know and I realize how much effort and hard work is being put in keeping everything calm and in order. And very often the trouble might come from things that casual user and/or visitor will not even think of. When I just came on DC, I have been no one and nothing, but eventually I was in the top of the list and having full control of a giant DC network up until the end of it's major part. I have seen all kinds of trouble there and so I'm sure that I have to say: to achieve something you have to give and to keep something, you have to give and to fight. Nothing comes easy and nothing comes without a work for it. There is luck and there is something else that is God given or if you do not believe in God, then given by a higher power. But even if you are leaving or going away, remember that you can always come back and remember that you can not change the world, but you can always change yourself and stay above all the fuss. Sometimes it has to do with the people you love and miss, sometimes with the safety of your computer and DDOS (Denial of Service) attacks to your computer and hub/server software. But then in the end, most of it is becoming so bitter and dark while the ones you wish to hurt the least are being hurt the most. Just come and think of it for a minute and do not shut down your mind before you shut down your computer..........

Some people have been asking me if pappa is treating me any better. I would say that it has improved and that nothing will compare to what he has been like during the last days of mamma's life and the days after her death. It was like I did not exist at all. Now he is feeling scared that I will not live long because I know this is what the doctors are telling him, but at the same time he is starting to open up some of his feelings. Today the nurse told him that I am just like a baby and that he might be laughing from me for all the time because I do not know and do not understand so many things and lots of jokes that the doctor was using with pappa and I just sat there confused. Yes, I often feel very much out of time and out of place in this life, but I am who I am and I would go away somewhere if I could sometimes, but I can not and who would I be leaving pappa all alone? A coward, to say the least. But enough about pappa... :)

Now I am going to finish re-reading a book that I like very much. It is by Maria Gripe and it is called "The Beetles Fly In The Sunset" or as it would be in Swedish "Tordyveln flyger i skymningen". I am sure that many of you have read or at least heard of this book. Something so magical and wonderful about it. :) Now I am thinking of what to read next and I am open to hearing your thoughts. :)

And since there have been ages since I have written a poem, here is something for you:

The light inside me will shine
As long as I know that you live
The faith inside you is mine
As long as I know - you believe.
The miles are not separating
The hearts that are full of true love
Without the anger and hating,
Still fighting to light and somehow,
Among all the people all mocking
And spitting and laughing along
Among all the dirty, mean talking
The heart of love still remains strong.

Your always loving Rasmus, the Viking :) ]]> prince mio http://www.chatanplay.com/blogs/prince-mio/update-hospital-test-results-pappa-dc-my-life-part-2-71/