prince mio

Oh, there is so much to tell and so many questions yet without an answer. I'm always told that I am asking way too much, but just can not help myself. I am just the way I am and not going to change any time soon. It called up a lot of comments from mamma and pappa. Mamma kept telling me that life will be way too hard if I remain like that. She might not understand that I am trying to see the bright side in everything, even when the things are totally insane. As long as there is at least one person you can help and give a hand, you aren't alone and by helping the others life seems so much brighter. I have told mamma that if I can not change something in my own life, I can always help the others the best way I can. Mamma did not tell me much except asking me why I am being so much sure that people need my help or that anyone wants to listen to what I have to say. It made me think for a little bit and I have told mamma that God will help me to listen to my heart and know what to do. :)

Now my conversation with pappa has been much more difficult. He told me that I am too depressive and too dark and that my music is what he would never let anyone listen to. He told me that I will scare everyone away with all of my thoughts that are too early for my age and that if such a patient person like he is (...) is already feeling sick and tired of my presence, it is obvious that all the others might feel even worse. Then he told me that a lady he knows has complained that I emailed her and told her of my little surgery and told him that she is too tired to hear of sickness. He yelled at me and told me to never email her again. But I had only good intentions and I have heard from this lady's husband that she is going to see the doctor as well and was wondering if my doctor is good because she has heard a lot of good things about him. So I decided to email her and tell her of my thoughts and how it goes for me. But I guess you can not be a crystal ball to see the future and how will people react on this or that. :) Just left a taste of iron in my mouth from all of this. The worst is that I can not tell mamma about it all because it would start another fight and I would be to blame in the end... :/

Speaking of my little surgery, it had to be stopped in the middle because I have fainted twice and the doctor decided to stop it and do it some other time when I am stronger. I think that everyone got frightened because my pappa was all pale and tried to calm mamma down. I was wondering at first what has happened and why everyone is so scared, but then when I tried to get up, I could barely move my head and felt like a heavy stone. I was told to stay in bed for the few days, but this time I quickly got back on my feet and now I can walk without mamma's help, just a little bit hard to lean to put on my socks and shoes and I can not wash my head on my own yet. I mean, I can, but it is better to let mamma or pappa do it. *blushes*

I went to bed very late last night because I could not sleep and was very alarmed for some reason. It just did not feel calm inside me and I wanted to scream. Sometimes I feel like screaming, as it goes in Deep Purple song... I had to get up very early, so it was clearly stupid to stay up so late, but it felt much better than having to stare at the ceiling and listen to all the sounds from a windy weather. The roof is like an orchestra at times! :) I am always praying for it not to crash down on us!

So after having about three hours of sleep I had to get up, take a shower and get dressed to go with pappa. He had to attend few meetings first and then we would have to see the doctor for a planned check up. I felt not so well in a car and it kept making weird sounds and I got sick. Pappa was all angry with me and told me that he has important meetings and can not be late even for a minute. It was quite interesting in pappa's office and for some reason all his friends kept laughing at me and some were acting like I was not there at all! I said BOO! to one of pappa's friends! You should have seen his face! :P Rasmus, the menace!

When we finally got back, I had to eat something and do my homework. Mamma was working outside and she told me that I am not looking well and started to cry. I hate it when mamma is crying, but I might have been really looking bad because pappa did not say anything and just pushed my gently with a hand. Then I was sitting in my room with the headphones on and my pappa was talking over the phone. Pappa might have thought that I have been listening to music, but I was just imagining I was a radio DJ and was writing down my playlist. But then I have heard pappa talk about his brief bussiness trip that would last about 2-3 days. I have heard him telling mamma about it, but this time he was talking of it as of 2-3 days of different parties and fun. And he was talking about the hotel room for 2 persons and was naming a lady from his work. It is the lady mamma dislikes the most. I have asked pappa some time after if he is going to stay at the hotel and he told me that they will stay at the private house and I asked if him will be all alone in his room and he told me that he will be with Mr. Anders (a man he is working with). And then I asked pappa if that lady is coming too and he got silent and then said "No! She is not coming along. She is visiting her aunt" I did not ask him anything more. Then I went to the kitchen to take my medication and there was a phone call from pappa's friend. We chatted for about five minutes and he told me that they are going to visit beautiful places during the trip and he would wish I was there because two families are taking their children along. I asked him if it was a bussiness trip and he just laughed and told me that this time it is not and that he wishes I was not that ill. And then I asked him about that lady if she is coming and he told me that she is coming too. I nearly started to cry and then this man had another phone call and he told me that he will call later... So I just went back to my seat all shaking and frightened...

Now I am feeling just like between two fires and I can only imagine what is going to happen if mamma finds out about it. I am really lost and don't know what to do. Mamma is looking very poor at the moment and I can not look at her without wishing to cry and feeling terribly hurt and awful inside. Why is pappa like that? Why can't he just tell straight that he is going to have fun? No one is against it and me and mamma would only be happy. Mamma is always looking for the best clothes for pappa and adds sugar to his tea cup and always cooks what pappa likes to eat and does everything she can even when she has migraine... I am trying to keep mamma busy and away from the phone. Maybe I am a coward or doing something wrong... I do not know. I have told God that I am giving everything under His control and I only wish that mamma would not get hurt and would not cry...

Pappa just drove away to do some shopping and mamma is going to take a shower. I am almost done with my homework, only have to do some reading and then I am done. But I will leave it now and do it later. Now mamma is calling me to bring her something, so I have to close and will write here again as soon as I can. Once again, thank you so much for reading and for being there for me. I love you all very much and you are always in my heart!
*hugs*

Rasmus.