prince mio

AN UPDATE

Nothing compares to adding another entry to my little diary. Sometimes it may be too sad, but the sadness is a part of me too and if it goes this way, then it would be not honest to hide it behind the thick cloth. I have heard a lot of people lately, telling me that I am a fake, not real and simulating my illness. Even though I've got used to hearing such things since the first time I got on-line, still it has made me quite sad to hear such comments again, especially behind my back. It hurts even more when you hear it from the ones you thought were your friends... And even though I was sure that I've learned my lesson, I'm walking into the same river one more time. And it hurts when you have been a fool to share all your dearest with someone and have this someone turn it's back on you. There is no need to dwell on it, but still it makes me so sad somehow. There are just things I believe are sacred and no matter what may happen between two people, no matter if the trust you or not, there are things you should not make fun of and should not laugh about because you never know what you may experience and what side of life might turn it's face to you...

I do not know if it is only me, but it seems to me that it's been a lifetime since the last time I could write something at the greater length. It is hard to write without tears at times and now I realize that I've been crying a lot lately. Oh, I believe it was too much even. The memories of my mamma have been the main reason behind the tears and having to make decisions without her and being alone through the certain times and the dates when she was around. It feels so much awful and frightening when I wake up in the morning and feel better or worse and can't tell about it to anyone. Usually I would wake up and slowly walk to mamma's room tip toe, not to wake her up. Once I would see that she is awake, I would tell her that I am feeling a little bit better and that I woke up without my night problem. (Just do not laugh, please, if you know what I mean... ) It was just that I could tell my mamma that things are a bit better and then I would often see her smile. I do not think that there was anything as precious and important that could make the day complete. Even when I would feel much worse through the day and if there were fights and scandals, I would still try to remember mamma's smile and a way how she was giving me a hug. But now I wake up just to keep it all inside and trying to be good not to make too much noise and avoid meeting pappa because my presence usually makes him mad...
I understand that he is not feeling well with all the work he has to do and without mamma's help with the different translations. Often I do lots of text translation for him or find the info he needs on-line for this or that. Probably not the same thing, I guess...

My pappa is a hard-to-explain type of a person and even though he often yells at me and tells me awful things, I still love him with all of my heart. When mamma was alive, he would be not so angry with me and he would often talk to me and we would do different things together, but since mamma's death he has turned away from me for most of the time and does not notice me at all. I know that some of you have spoken to my pappa through mamma's MSN. I was there only once in my life (not allowed to have it), so you may have seen me there too once. So the ones of you that spoke to my pappa know what he is like, I think. You would barely notice that he can be angry, but he can... Some people have been telling me that they think that my pappa on MSN and me on DC are the same person. They even went as far as to copy all the things pappa was saying, the things that were not meant for my ear, telling me about my mamma's death when I wasn't told of it yet. Back then I did not believe it, but remembering of it now, it just strikes way too deep. I had a stupidity to tell pappa about it on which he just told me that he is too tired of it all and will not intrude in my on-line activity ever again. "If it repeats one more time, you will be offline" - so he told me. It said that it has turned out this way, really, but life goes on and I will get over it. But can not help feeling bitterly disappointed at the moment... Even my leaving these people or the places where they were, they still go on contacting my friends and trying to make them sure that I am not real, a fake, sending me the threats and talking rude. Just shows of what an envy? can do with a person. Problem is that so many people believe that Internet protects all and everyone, but it is far not so. They often think that sitting behind the screen they get all the possible freedom, but there are still people, not the bots on the other end. Not brave to say it in the face, but so brave to type it. Sigh...

THE HURRICANE

It was really huge and made me all scared. My pappa's friend was staying with me and he did not manage to fall asleep at all. Pappa went to Germany and he should be back on Thursday in the evening. There was a man who was a good friend of my mamma and pappa. Yesterday my pappa had a phone call from his wife and she told him that her husband got in a car accident and.... . She has a four year old daughter. My pappa could not talk to her because he broke in tears and so I took the phone and spoke to the lady for about 40 minutes. She was a very good friend of my mamma and she was very happy to hear me. Actually, she was one of the very few people who did not blame me for mamma's death. So we just spoke of her husband and of my mamma. She was crying so much and I was trying my best not to cry. So pappa went to this lady's house to help her with everything. Pappa's good friend is staying with me even though I do not know him that well. But he is good and keeps calling me "wee wee" :) hehe
Last night I woke up from a nightmare at 3am and went downstairs to have a drink. There I have noticed the hurricane as I got up from my bed. It could be the reason for a nightmare too or maybe not. So I had some juice and went back to my room, but it felt too scary. So I went to the room where mister Clegg was and asked him if I could sleep next to him. He was laughing for a long time and I thought that he would send me back, but he gave me a hug and told me to bring my pillow along. :) We were talking for some time and mister Williams has asked me to show him how I can do break dance and stand upon one hand. I promised him to do so if I am not dizzy tomorrow and quickly fell asleep. When I woke up mister Williams was already awake and in the kitchen. I went to my room first and found a parcel there. The results! Yes, my school test results finally arrived. Then I went to the kitchen and mister Williams got me high in the air and told me that I am like a little oven when I'm asleep and that he was worried if I had a fever or something. He is so tall and it was a great feeling to be up so high. Then he finally put me back on my feet and I could tell him about the parcel. He just smiled and told me that we shall open it, but only after I have my breakfast. So I went to the bathroom and then
was going to have my breakfast. But my tummy felt weak and I could not eat. I was told that I can always eat later when I can. :) After that mister Williams got the parcel open and there it said that I did all of my tests with all "A" and "Excellent" grades. :D I felt so happy! Few hours later I picked the phone to call pappa about it, but he yelled at me and told me that how can I think about such things now and dare to tell him about it in a moment like this. Yeah, was so stupid of me and I nearly started to cry. I asked pappa to forgive me and he just told me to give the phone to his friend and didn't say anything. I felt so stupid...

So I went back to my room and started trying to get my firewall fixed. Luckily, now it works again. Before that I could eat and do the dishes which made mister Williams happy and he told me that his daughter who is 15 never does the dishes! Hehe :) I wonder what it would be if I had a sibling! Rasmus The Menace is enough? :)

So later I was looking through the window and could see how the hurricane got few roofs off the houses and what a mess it has been all over the place. It's still raining and very windy, but not as bad as it was at night. I think that my nightmare was a result of this horrible weather.
I like when it rains, but when I'm inside. Do not want to get wet like Tom Sawyer and Hucklberry Finn did on Jackon's Island :) hehe!

Today I was feeling quite dizzy and even landed on my bum. Good thing that mister Williams was there and he told me that I fainted. But I don't remember it well. I was not feeling bad at all. I know, it happens sometimes because of my heart. When I am getting too excited, it has to pump more blood and since it can not do that well, it acts this way... :( But hour later I was feeling much better. We had no TV signal and no Internet at all, so I have put on 2Unlimited and showed mister Williams what I can do! :)))
He was all against it first and was not sure if that would be right of me to do, but I've made him sure that I could show him, so he was very happy! The most important thing is to breathe right. Looks like I can do most of it. The hand stand has impressed him the most of all though I did not risk changing hands or doing a jump from hand to hand! Then he has put me to bed and told me to stay there for some time. I did!

Then I went back to my firewall to get it tested once again and found that it didn't work, so I've done clean installation and it worked. Good! :)
Now I am writing this blog and think I will get it finished for now, even though I only started to tell of how my life has been lately.

I love you all very much and thank you for reading! *hugs and kisses*

Your always loving Rasmus.