prince mio

I was thinking of writing this for some time now, but each time the tears would not let me begin or the thoughts would crash against each other just like waves. I was trying to sort out the words and to leave only the best, but then each word seemed meaningless and empty. It was a real struggle and a challenge to go through and you just could end up writing adjectives only. I wanted to try and explain the feelings inside of me. I wanted to let everyone know what Ade means to me. One may say that it is not the same and that I can not write much because we have never met and only spoke on-line and in private messages. But the heart does not need physical presence - it goes much deeper and beyond all the conditions and the rules. My Pappa is physically next to me, but I have never felt myself a person the way I felt myself with dear Ade, even though he was miles and miles away. If you ever spoke to Ade, then you know that he would create some very special bond that would make you feel so warm, safe and full of peace. Now I can confess that each time I was thinking of Ade I have secretly wished he was my Pappa. Why? Just because he was real, he was alive and he was everything a real person has to be. You would feel yourself alive and you would feel and understand that life is worth living no matter what! I have always thought that such people exist only in books or only in the old legends and I was sure that it was so until I met Ade. I can really see my life as “before” and “after”. I have been crying a lot because of not being able to tell all of these things before, for keeping them inside me and being embarrassed of speaking them out. We are always thinking that there will come a day when it will be fine to do something, a day when we can open up and say this or that to the ones we love. By meeting Ade I was in seventh heaven from happiness and something has clicked deep inside of me and made me feel much stronger. I was spending each day thinking of how I will come and see Ade say something. It was enough just to read what he says and smile, just watching it without words. He could feel things so deep and he was one of those people that would never turn away from you. It felt like he knew of all the things that have happened in my life and has helped to heal it inside. I always had a feeling that he knew of all the things in a world and he always gave all of himself away. My immunity tests were getting better and better since I met Ade because I was working hard over the struggles and difficult times in my life. I was learning to live again and to see the bright side in everything. Ade was always there and it seemed to me so often that I could hear his voice. It may sound unbelievable, but it is really so. He was a mental and a physical healer and he will always remain because it heals now and it will heal then. I can feel Ade so strongly and he is here with all of us. It is so because all our hearts are always beating in his big and loving heart. His spirit lives on and everything he has told and done keeps filling us and helps us to survive. Ade was living each moment to the fullest and he was sharing it with everyone. He has always been the light of life and a great source for the rules how to live. Just feel, be sincere, be honest and love. Ade was actually living the things he spoke of and he knew the price of every word. During the short period we have spoken he has taught me so much… It is very hard to hold back the tears because it feels like a hot air balloon in my chest now. I am slowly realizing how much he has done for everyone he met in his life and how many secret doors he has opened. Love is the key…

I was going through the very difficult times during the months of my absence from the Hunting Ground and the Internet. At times it was impossible to keep on through the constant fights of Mamma and Pappa and all the things they were saying. It was suffocating me and each morning would start from fighting and screaming. It was awful to wake up in constant fear and to fall asleep in tears. My immunity was decreasing from time to time, leaving me totally weak and helpless. I could not walk without help and my heart was aching for all the time. There were times when I was getting better and still it did not seem to make my parents any happier at the time. I always felt that something was missing and I felt incomplete without all of you. I wanted to feel that warm feeling of being among the most wonderful people. I was praying for all the time and thinking of all of you. I was composing new music in my head and was imagining how I will let Ade hear it. I felt the butterflies in my stomach each time I reminded of how Ade has downloaded all of my music! It was a great honour and there was something else, there was that feeling and that attitude that I always hoped to see from my Pappa. Unfortunately, he has never paid any attention to what I was composing or listening to, except telling me that I have to turn it off and that children my age prefer something easier and happier. I have written music for my Pappa as well, but he has never cared to listen and only insulted me more and more. I needed this something, probably like anyone who has ever tried to compose something of it’s own, a single word that would help me a little bit and make me feel secure. Maybe it sounds stupid and one would say that I should go on no matter if I get a word or not. It is right, but still one has try to it first and then judge how it works in reality… Ade has given me this feeling and this gift from the very bottom of his heart of gold. It has happened for the first time in my life when I felt absolutely happy because I felt all the warmth that Ade was feeling too. I felt that he has listened, heard and understood all of the things that I was trying to put in every word, every note and a chord.

So I was lying in bed and thinking of how wonderful it will be when I will have enough strength to pickup my guitar and write a song. I was thinking of Ade… The days were passing by and then finally came a day when I could write back to Chewy and Magic and come on-line. It was the day I was told what happened… I could not say a word and I could not breathe out from the total shock I was in. I did not feel my feet and my toes felt totally numb. I could not even cry and I wanted to call mamma, but could not. I was watching the skies and asking God why did He do it. I remember that I was telling God to take me instead, but to bring Ade back. I felt terribly scared and wanted to disappear, not to feel, not to see and hear anything anymore. I thought my heart would stop. There was a total insanity in my feelings and I felt the fear, a sense of guilt for being alive, physical pain of a loss and a something unknown. I wanted to reach out to heavens and to break through the layer of the dark clouds that were not allowing me to breathe. Then finally the tears ran down my face and I started to pray. I have instantly thought of Elaine and JP, Chewy and Magic. I felt so much frightened that I hid under the blanket in my bed and was lying there for a long time until mamma came to see me and asked me why I am all red in the face. I could not tell her and then she asked me if I did something bad or spoke rude to adults or broke something. I could not say a word and then mamma asked me if I have spoken to Ade yet. Then I broke in tears again and mamma asked me if something has happened. Then I have told her. She gave me a hug and started to cry too. I don't know why, but I can hardly remember the rest of the evening. I remember talking to Chewy and Magic and realizing how much it was for them to let me know what happened and to talk to me on-line. I am giving them my thanks from all my heart.

Now I want to mention the way how deep Ade could feel the music and how much alike our music tastes appeared to be. I remember how Ade was putting a smile each time I was amazed and commenting on the bands he has got in his list.

[2007-05-11 17:14] <[THG]Ade> bast list in hub *** smiles at you ***
[2007-05-11 17:14] <[THG]Ade> best*
[2007-05-11 17:14] <[THG]Ade> hehe
[2007-05-25 04:10] <[THG]Ade> best music in hub lol
[2007-05-25 04:10] <[THG]Ade> music vids good too

This is how dear Ade would comment on his music list! It was just amazing how he was able to find all the very best music and always feel what I would like. He was living through music and his words have always been like a song! He was smiling for all the time and would wash all the sadness and the fear away with only one sentence. He was a magic person and now we know who has taught Magic his inner Magic. Of course, a great part of it goes to dear Chewy and to William too!
Ade lives through everything that we see around us and we must be strong and must go on and be worthy of all the good lessons he has given us and be there for each other the way he has always been there for all of us. I want to post a poem I have written.

The skyline is broken and the heart is torn apart
I have to learn to live and breathe another way again
To keep all of the things from you that I have got
And never let them fill with aching and the pain.
To let my feet feel firm upon the shaking ground,
To fight the way you always fought and always won
To listen to your words and never ever bring me down,
Believing you are here with me and that you are not gone.
The tears are not stopping, just no matter how I try
I want to hide and let all things stay as they were before
I want to run away to you and I wish I could learn to fly,
But love has wings or otherwise what hearts are given for?
You held us all upon the ground, so we could not fall,
Protecting us from woes, from sorrow and the bitter pain
And you were there each time when someone had to call
In our hearts, in our minds, in our lives you always will remain…

With all my love,

Your always loving Rasmus.